Silence

Dear Friends,

I have been silent for a while.  Waiting.  Trying to find peace in the middle of a storm. 

In the quietest moments I put my ear up to my little daughter’s chest and listen to the bump-bump of her little heart as it keeps time.  It’s not the thrum of her rhythmic living that I am listening for.  I wait for the silence in between, holding my breath.  It seems like it is only in those tiny little snippets, those fractions of a second when I can hear the still small voice of my creator whispering to me that he is the one that keeps the rhythm of life moving, that I don’t need time to stop to hear him.  I get so caught up in the noise, in the busyness of all that is going on around me but he is there keeping the planets in motion and this mother’s heart from bursting.

I don’t know about you but it seems that when one thing goes wrong, everything seems to go wrong.  I get caught up in the frustrations that don’t matter and can’t see all that is still going well, all that is still functioning to the rhythm that God set it in motion with.  So I’m agitated that my daughter lost her iPod.  (Thank you Lord that they called from the bookstore to say they’d found it.)  I wonder why the bills are so much more regular than the paycheques.  I am bugged that the plate for the microwave got smashed on that merciless ceramic floor that seemed like a good idea at the time.  I am irritated that that horrible big box retailer is stalling at getting me my money back because they sent me a light cover instead of a turntable plate.  “So very sorry, ma’am.  That’s our mistake but I don’t deal with returns and yes, their phone lines are down again today.”  It almost seems therapeutic that the dishwasher went caput and it was so comforting that a kind acquaintance offered to try to fix it but it wasn’t worth the cost of the parts.

On the other hand, my children are happy, we have food and clothes and a warm home.  We have a hope and a future.  And even in all of my grumpiness we have been able to help a friend to find a much needed bed.  I count my blessings realizing that I’ve never wanted for a bed and yet need of a bed hasn’t made this friend nearly as grumpy and sullen as I.  Self pity is exhausting.

So, I bring myself back to the silent moment with my ear up against my little girl’s chest.  If only I could count the blessing of every heart beat knowing that the Lord doesn’t owe me a single one more than he has already given.  It isn’t the beats that I am listening for but the silence in between because at a routine check up a few weeks ago the pediatrician mentioned something about a murmur and a cardiologist.  A few days later the cardiologist said things like heart block and pacemaker and it seemed as though my own heart had stopped.  How could such a happy and healthy little girl as my own princess be broken hearted?

Over the next few days we learned that he had decided that the need for the pacemaker wasn’t as immediate as he had prepared us for.  He does expect her heart to deteriorate and then they will tear my heart open even deeper as they operate to repair hers.  Until then I am striving to live each moment thanking God for the rhythym, not waiting for the silence even though I know that he will still be whispering to me in those moments…

“When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, your consolations delight my soul.” –Psalm 94:19

Wishing you Peace in all of your moments Friends.

Cori